We’re on day one of a cold, rainy “wintry mix”, and we’re apparently getting off easy. Boston and New York look like they’re going to get dumped on. Would I prefer the snow? Yes, yes I would. We’ve gotten a complete crap level of snow this year. Naturally, the shitty weather has put me in a delightful mood, so I thought I’d go ahead and have a good whine today.
I’m tired of the two week wait. It fucking blows.
I’m tired of feeling like I’m going crazy.
I’m tired of progesterone. It makes me dizzy, and I hate analyzing the dizziness (am I more or less dizzy than that month I got pregnant? Is this a symptom? Isn’t it too early for symptoms?)
I’m tired of leaping out of bed to pee on a stick, only to be disappointed.
I’m tired of never having any money to spend on anything other than 100% essential items (mortgage, utilities, food).
I’m tired of lurking on infertility boards.
I’m tired of thinking about the state of my uterus.
I’m tired of going into work and having to actually (gasp!) DO work. It’s the busy season for me, and it’s irritating that I can’t just google anything and everything relating to fertility and infertility.
I’m tired of how Facebook has become a landmine. You log on for some general amusement and distraction and are punched in the stomach with someone’s sonograms or pregnancy announcement.
I’m tired of being jealous of other people. And then I’m tired of the whiplash I give myself by trying to be *happy* for them. How their happiness does not have any impact on my life, blah blah.
I’m tired of feeling guilty over being jealous, like I’ll get some cosmic ass kicking for my shitty feelings.
I’m sick and tired of it all. When will this be over?
I’m sure you’ve heard it all before so I won’t try to console you or spit out any of the million cliches people tell women who are TTC. I will share my advice to give in to the jealousy. Feel it, let it run it’s course, then move on. The more you try to deny it, the more it builds. Get crabby and pissy. It makes the next time easier. And sometimes it makes you feel better to throw a tantrum like a 2 year old.
Jesselyn, thank you for your comment! You’re right, sometime’s it is best to wallow. On my previous cycle I took a home pregnancy test over the weekend, and I knew if it was going to be positive it should have been positive by then. The timing worked out because I was able to cry and mope and generally lay around feeling sorry for myself, and hating the world. Other times I like to get as busy as possible so I don’t have time to think about things (this doesn’t always work).
Thanks again for commenting!