More Updates and I’m a Hot Mess

I’ve had daily ultrasounds and blood work for the past week including my damn birthday on Sunday (Happy Birthday! POKE. Happy Birthday! STAB). My follicles have been growing nicely, and my lining has thickened up beautifully – I’ve never seen it this big, actually.

I’ve got somewhere between 15 and 20 follicles (the number seems to vary, depending on who’s doing the ultrasound), of which, probably around 15 will be mature at retrieval. This morning most of them measured in the 17mm – 20mm range. My estrogen has been going up nicely. Yesterday’s results were 2,254. Trigger will most likely be tonight, for a retrieval on Thursday morning.

And a note on the trigger – my doctor is switching me from an hCG trigger to a Lupron trigger. Has anyone ever done this? She says she’s not worried about OHSS for me, but that she thinks I can produce enough LH on my own, so I don’t need the hCG shot.

The two main things I’ve extrapolated from the Lupron v. hCG decisions is that with Lupron I a) do not need to test out the trigger – if I get a BFP it’s a real BFP; and b) Lupron is sub-cutaneous, and hCG is intra-muscular. Would MUCH prefer the sub-q.

cookieOn the emotional front, I’m a hot mess. I’m working reallyreally hard to lock.it.up. with varying results. I’m sore, and bloated, and uncomfortable, and exhausted. I fell like a pincushion. I’ve been poked and prodded and dildoed (what are they DOING in there?! It feels like you’re vacuuming in my vagina for God’s sake) within an inch of my life.

On Saturday, Tammy ran a 5k with her company to benefit the Wounded Warrior Project. I dropped her off before the race and ran (haha! Don’t be ridiculous, I drove) over to my vagina check. I got back to the race in time to see her cross the finish line. I have absolutely no idea why, but I burst into hysterical tears when she rounded the bend. In my defense, the song playing over the loudspeakers was this, and HOLY SHIT. Commence ugly cry. Her company should SERIOUSLY know better than to play emotionally charged music when there are women hopped up on hormones watching their beloved cross the finish line!

And then last night the pharmacy was late delivering meds I needed for the morning (damn right they deliver. I’m paying out-of-pocket for all of this so I’m taking the perks where I can). I was extremely agitated waiting up for it. What if they didn’t show up?! That’s my anti-ovulation/antagonist med! What if I don’t get my meds in time and I ovulate and lose all my eggs? What if this has all been for nothing?! When the delivery FINALLY showed up (10:15pm!!!!) I nearly ripped the box out of his hands. I tried to politely smile at him, but it probably came out more like a snarl.

mandrill-snarl_2110219i

So now we wait. So much hurry up and wait! Hurry up and get to your daily 7:30AM appointment. Wait for results. Hurry home and inject yourself! Wait for more meds. Now I’m waiting on blood work results and final word if I’m triggering tonight.

I want this to be over. I want this to work. I want. I want. I want. Pleaseletthiswork. Pleaseletthiswork. It’s my mantra, chanted over and over to myself as I lay there, dildo shoved halfway to heaven, counting the little dark circles of hope on the ultrasound screen.

Friends with Babies

ME: you back at work?

Friend With Baby: Yep

ME: welcome back!

FWB: thanks

And they upgraded my operating system so I can actually get into my gmail again

as you can see

ME: yes, very nice

how are you doing?

other than being so-so on going back to work

FWB: i’m doing ok. tired.

you?

ME: tired and sore

had a lot of early morning appointments this week so i can still get to work on time

FWB: sore?

ME: injections

for IVF

FWB: oh gotcha

ME: plus bloated from all the follicles

FWB: follicles are a bunch of assholes

ME: indeed they are

and i’m hysterically emotional. am a joy to be around, obviously

FWB: we should hang out then

ME: you up for me bursting into tears at random moments, and jumping into hulk like rage at others?

FWB: well…

ME: ha

FWB: that does sound a little terrifying

an emotional rollercoaster

ME: it is

poor tammy

she was away all week on business

good timing

FWB: well…it’s almost time for me to go pump. see what you have to look forward to? also my old uniform shirts don’t fit cause apparently i have huge boobs now (first world problems)

ME: child having problems

cannot relate

FWB: you’ll have one (probably triplets or something)

ME: i kind of doubt it

but we’ll see

FWB: i got all my fingers and toes crossed for you and your triplets

better have three boy and girl names picked out just in case

ME: far too jinxy

cannot even discuss one

the jinx gods are listening

FWB: Jinx gods are a bag of dicks.

ME: they can suck my dick, that’s for sure

FWB: (I’m trying to draw them off of you)

ME: well thanks

we’ll see what happens

go pump

FWB: ok…be back in a bit

ME: enjoy your romantic time with a mini plastic sombrero

Second Scan of the First IVF

I had my second scan and blood work this morning, after 5 days of stims. I just heard from the nurse with my results.

My estrogen is 478.

Lining looked “good”, but I forgot to ask the ultrasound tech what the measurement was.

I had 19 follicles, 6 of which were measurable (at my clinic, this means larger than 10). The two biggest were 11.3

I continue with the same dosage tonight (187.5 IU of Bravelle, 75 IU of Menopur) and come back tomorrow morning for another check.

Things are movin’ and groovin’.

Reward

I’m not into punishment. Wait. That came out wrong. Let me re-phrase.

When I was a kid, the possibility that I would get in trouble (if caught – I was kind of a bad kid) wasn’t much of a deterrent. I would smart talk my parents, have temper tantrums, etc. KNOWING that I was going to get in trouble, and carry on anyway. As a teen, I got up to all kids of inappropriate and illegal activities, almost as a dare to the universe. “Go ahead and have me crash the car/get arrested/die. See if I care!” I was what you might call, ummm… defiant.

lady gaga
Basically what I looked like, ages 10-20. Except for the whole being world famous part.

On the flip side, I respond very well to positive reinforcement, aka rewards. I always have been, and continue to be, very into pleasure. Ok, that ALSO sounds wrong. Get your minds out of the gutter. It can be little or big things, but I need something good waiting on the other side to get myself through unpleasant/painful/sad things. It can be little – knowing I have a dumb TV show to watch at lunch on Monday can help me get out of bed Monday morning. Having a bowl of ice cream to look forward to after my injections. And those things are innocuous, I don’t worry about them so much. I think it’s normal to look forward to things, and if that helps me get through the day, great.

418b11fffd3e4dfc97e489e89e05e067@2x

Helllooo, I showed up! Where’s my reward?!

But I sometimes feel extremely childish for needing an immediate reward. Don’t “they” say that the definition of adulthood is delayed gratification? I guess I’m not an adult then. Because intellectually I KNOW the real reason I’m going to work on Monday morning is because we need the money, and I’m lucky to have a job that pays me as well as it does. Intellectually I KNOW the real reason I’m doing these injections is so we can have a baby. I KNOW. Big picture, y’all. I got it. So why can’t my mind catch up to what my brain knows? Why am I so stuck on this cycle of dreading something unpleasant, doing something unpleasant, getting a reward, feeling better, then starting the dread again?