Today we got to see the baby for the first time. We got to see it wiggling around, and we got to see the sweetest flashes of light. Flicker flicker flicker.

1st baby scan

Because ultrasounds always look like a sea of static to me, the sickle/fish/bean looking squiggle on the left is the (gulp) future baby. The cheerio looking thing on the right is the yolk sac, which provides nutrients to the (gulp) future baby until the placenta takes over.

Having seen the heartbeat at 6 weeks, 5 days, the doctor told me my chance of miscarriage is now 5%. I can live with 5% much better than the odds I was previously living with.

We get one more scan in 10 days with my beloved RE. Then we’re cut loose into the wilds of OB land, with all those pregnant women, blithely confident in their body, and sure that in 6 or 7 months time they’ll meet their (gulp) baby.

I’m so…I don’t know what. I feel a lot more confident now that we’ve seen that there’s a something in there, and that something has a heartbeat. I’ve been getting progressively sicker, and threw up for the first time yesterday, so that also encourages my faith that this might…actually…work out.

And yet there’s this other part of me that is waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’ve spent over a year preparing myself for bad news over and over and over, and changing my mindset to not always assume the worst is still very much a work in progress.

Overall I’m overjoyed that we’ve made it this far. I’m cautiously optimistic that A Good Thing might come out of this, and I’ve devoted significant energy to sending out thoughts/prayers/vibes to the universe at large, saying nothing more than “please” and “thank you”.

I hope all of you get your “thank you” soon.

14 thoughts on “Flicker

  1. I checked your blog yesterday because I realized I hadnt heard from you in awhile (well, felt like awhile!)! Im so happy for you both! And Im happy to hear you’re trying to be positive and hopeful – obviously easier said than done. Im in the same boat, feeling very similar to you. Hence, why I like reading your blog! 🙂

    Congrats again! Great first pic of the little one!

  2. That shoe-dropping feeling goes away eventually. Never completely, I don’t think, especially for those of us who had to go the IVF route, or have had losses in the past. But it really does get easier. I’d be lying if I said 20 weeks in I don’t immediately check the tp after every trip to the bathroom but I DID finally stop checking in the middle of the night (I just want to sleep more, screw turning on the light!)

    For me, after a couple normal u/s I was finally reassured that things are doing what they’re supposed to be doing and even if I don’t look super pregnant or throw up all the time, no bad news is good news.

    Just wait until your next scan! That little bean will be like a gummy bear and we could see him waving his arms and legs!!

  3. I never stopped checking the tp, as it were (only a metaphor for me, since I doubt I’ve failed to check the tp more than a dozen times since turning nine, the age I’d set for fretting that my period would come and surprise me). It’s a momentous time, and I am just not wired to be free of anxiety. But I found it was increasingly possible to temper my worries with some enjoyment of the present, too.

    Congratulations on your lovely bean. Isn’t it funny how all the others are just blobs on a screen, and yours is magic? What a miracle.

  4. I’m glad it’s at least a little reassuring to have seen the heart beat. I’m sure as the weeks pass you’ll start feeling less and less fearful and more and more excitement. I’m so happy for you, congrats!!!

  5. Pingback: Things that are Weird | The Mamas Rapscallion

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