Out of Sorts/Quarter-OK-30ish-Life-Crisis-Maybe?

I realized a few weeks ago that I have spent years in the pursuit of conception, pregnancy, postpartum, or infancy survival. Literally YEARS. Surely that kind of uterus gazing cannot be healthy. So I tried to think about myself not as a proud owner/operator of a uterus or as a mother, but as an individual, and consider what I would list as a hobby or interest, if asked, (not that I have been asked, but conceivably there might be a situation in which I was asked such a question) and I could not think of a single thing.

Guys. Have I become a conservative’s dream woman, aka a walking uterus? (No, because: the gay. But still, moving dangerously into that territory.)

Maybe I’m feeling this acutely right now because I’ve been so heavily in toddler mode. (I typed out a whole breakdown of my day here but it was so boring I had to delete it.) Tammy’s working really hard on her master’s program right now, so the bulk of the childcare falls to me.

Maybe I’m having a some-time-in-life-crisis? Maybe it’s normal to feel this way as a mother?

It’s so incredibly frustrating, because I adore my daughter. She is funny, and smart, and of course stunningly, achingly adorable, and trust me when I tell you that I very clearly remember all of the blood, sweat, tears, and credit cards we went through to have her with us.

But is it so bad to want more from life? Is it so bad to want Ellie, but also want friends? Is it so bad to crave baby snuggles/board books/squeals of laughter with pretentious intellectual debates in coffee shops, hipster glasses optional? Is it so bad that I simultaneously love the expression on Ellie’s face when I go into her room in the morning, and desperately, achingly want to check into a hotel, eat and drink massively marked up room service and then sleep until noon? Is it so wrong that I love feeling her head heavily rest on my shoulder as I put her to bed at night, and feel, well, trapped by the schedule of naptime, bedtime, snack, bottle, etc., etc., etc.?

So speak to me, o wise women of the internet. How do you deal with the push and the pull of being both an individual person and a mother? Going guilt free? (how?!??) Medication? (Which one(s)??!) Occasional weekend babysitter?? (Not actually a bad idea…) School me in your ways.

4 thoughts on “Out of Sorts/Quarter-OK-30ish-Life-Crisis-Maybe?

  1. I have zero advice, but please know you’re not alone in your hotel/room service fantasies. My god, what I would do for a few hours alone in a big empty bed, next to a minibar.

    I just try to remember it won’t be like this forever. There will come a time when these adorable toddlers do not want to be seen with us in public. We can do whatever we want then!

  2. I went out for my first girls night in 14 months a couple weeks back and it was so nice. I used to feel guilty leaving Simon home with Toby, feeling like I needed to be there, playing my part. Having regular date nights would be GREAT, but we’re the unlucky ones who have no family nearby and it always feels so overwhelming even thinking about getting a sitter – either we would need to trust them to do the bedtime routine and get him down or not go out until 730 (which would get us home late, haha!). I assume you don’t have family in town because ‘those’ people seem to have a way easier time finding time for themselves! 🙂 So, maybe try once every few weeks to do a happy hour after work or meet friends for dinner???

  3. This had me laughing and nodding in agreement. I recently was forced to get a babysitter during the day for a week because I am the primary care-taker for our 1-year-old and I threw my back out so bad I couldn’t pick her up, which I have to do approximately 4,000 times a day. For the first day, I felt like I still had to be there for every snack and nap etc etc etc. But by the second or third day, I was like, wait a minute, I can leave the house and go to Target BY MYSELF! And everything was fine. Since then I’ve gotten a sitter a couple times during the day for just a couple hours so I could go get my hair done or sit at a coffee shop and do freelance work. It is AMAZING. I know it can be hard to find a sitter when you have no family in town, but I actually had great luck using Care.com. Totally so worth it to get a sitter even just once a month for a couple hours just so you can feel like a person unto yourself again.

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