Day 1 Report, Plus WTF Happened Yesterday?

As I said in my groggy, blurry post yesterday, I had 23 eggs retrieved. I just got the day 1 report:

23 eggs retrieved
18 were mature enough for ICSI
15 fertilized

The doctor said that’s a higher than average fertilization rate, so WOOT to that. Right now we’re aiming for a 5 day transfer, but we’ll (ok, they’ll) watch for the appropriate division/development over the next couple of days while we decide. A nurse told me that the average rate of drop off between fertilization and transfer is 50%, so that would leave me around 7 to mess with (1 or 2 to transfer, 5 or 6 to freeze).

I’m feeling a lot better today than I did yesterday. I don’t know why, but I fully expected to LEAP out of bed as soon as the retrieval was done. Now I’m all, HAND OVER THE DRUGS. Let me back up though, and run through the day. I found these play by plays extremely helpful before I went through it, so I hope others benefit from my reading this. If not, sorry! That’s five minutes of your life you’ll never get back!

My retrieval was set for 8AM at the fertility office 45 minutes from my house. HOWEVER, we had to be there at 6AM, and traffic in this city is absolutely ass-tacular. I wanted to leave an hour and a half to get there. Tammy’s argument was that traffic wouldn’t be THAT bad at 5AM, and we didn’t need to leave THAT much time. So she woke up at 4AM to shower and get ready, while I lay in bed (having showered the night before but woken to her alarm) and FUMED because she wasn’t getting ready fast enough. How had she not read my mind to know that we’re going back to the original plan of leaving at 4:30?!

Tammy very helpfully talked me back from the edge, and we left at 5. And then got there at 5:30. We were literally the first people in the parking lot. Poor Tammy. She asked me a few times if I was SURE the nurse said to be there two hours early. And we couldn’t go sit in Starbucks while we waited because a) are Starbucks even open at 5:30? and b) I couldn’t eat or drink anything. Boo.

Anyway, we finally went inside when a few other couples showed up, and sat in the waiting room, all nervously sneaking glances at each other. You could tell who was there for egg retrieval – fuzzy haired, bespectacled, sans makeup, etc. I’d seen plenty of these women during morning monitoring, and it was pretty funny seeing them in their natural state.

We were called back fairly quickly to the recovery room where I changed into a hospital gown, booties, and cap. DEFINITELY a good look for me, let me tell you.

IVF Feet

A nurse came in, confirmed my identity and gave me a wrist band.

IVF ID

Then an anesthesiologist took my medical history (“ever had anesthesia before?”) and hooked me up to an IV bag of fluids. He said this would make me feel better later.

IVF Feet & IV

And then we waited. The doctor doing the retrieval came in and introduced himself (it’s a large practice, and I hadn’t met him before). I nervously went pee a few times, holding my gown closed in the back, wheeling along my IV. I felt about 200 years old doing that. Finally, at 7:45 they told me to empty my bladder once more. Then they escorted me into the OR while Tammy went back to the waiting room. I had always pictured myself being rolled in on a stretcher, but alas, I walked. Not nearly as romantic.

The OR was kind of creepy, though. A little chair type thing, laid flat, and a million tubes and wires and utensils (shudder). Also a million people. An embryologist came in and asked for my ID wrist band. I thought she was trying to shake my hand, and she laughed at me and told me she WOULD shake my hand, but she needed to confirm my identity first. So we had this weird, limp wristed hand shake while she read my badge. As she asked me to recite my social security number, the anesthesiologist said in the background, “I’m just going to give you something in your IV. It’s not going to make you fall over, but it’s going to start the process.” I remember thinking to myself that maybe they should have me recite my social BEFORE they give me a sedative.

Then an OR nurse came over and fussed with my gown, pulling it open in the back. It’s probably an indication that the sedative was working that I cared not at all I was flashing my ass to the room. Then she helped me hoist my legs into these stirrup things. They weren’t the stirrups that you place your feet onto during a gynecologist exam, but rather you place the back of your legs (the knee-pit) INTO them, feet dangling down. The last thing I remember is thinking, “maybe I should lay down”.

Then I woke up the recover room, with Tammy holding my hand. I could feel the warm blanket they had placed over me and the heating pad on my abdomen. And then I felt both a sharp pain and a dull ache. I started to cry, not because of the pain (although it DID hurt) but because I was confused and scared. I don’t remember this, but apparently the nurse came in and asked why I was crying. I told her I didn’t know. She asked if I was having pain, and I told her yes so she gave me a shot of something in the IV. I distinctly remember the feeling of the painkiller flooding my body. It was like the pain melted away. Awesome. God bless painkillers. It was just after the pain melting experience that I told the nurse I loved her (apparently. I do not remember this). I drifted in and out of sleep for a while.

When I would wake up I’d ask Tammy the same questions over and over. How long was I out. What time is it. How many did they get. I also kept telling her I didn’t remember anything, and was quite distressed about that, apparently. My Tammy was an absolute star. I think I made far more fun of her when she was waking up from wisdom teeth surgery. Still tease her about some of the things she said. Bad wife! Bad!

The nurse checked on me a few times. I got another delicious shot of painkiller. Tammy filled a prescription of painkillers to take with us. I demonstrated that I could eat, drink and walk. And then we were allowed to go home.

I slept for a few hours once home, waking up occasionally to pee. I was warned I might spot, but so far there’s been nothing. The pain is better today, but it’s most definitely still there. I’m trying to stick to Tylen0l today, so I don’t slur on the phone with clients.

I’ve also been warned to eat lots of protein and drink lots of fluids as my ovaries were “quite large”. Hopefully this will help mitigate the risk of OHSS. Also, the large/swollen ovaries explain in part why I may be having more pain than average.

To sum up: needles in your vagina hurt, painkillers are awesome. If they suggest taking an OTC painkiller, give them a withering look and hold out for the good stuff. And take it easy the next day.

More Updates and I’m a Hot Mess

I’ve had daily ultrasounds and blood work for the past week including my damn birthday on Sunday (Happy Birthday! POKE. Happy Birthday! STAB). My follicles have been growing nicely, and my lining has thickened up beautifully – I’ve never seen it this big, actually.

I’ve got somewhere between 15 and 20 follicles (the number seems to vary, depending on who’s doing the ultrasound), of which, probably around 15 will be mature at retrieval. This morning most of them measured in the 17mm – 20mm range. My estrogen has been going up nicely. Yesterday’s results were 2,254. Trigger will most likely be tonight, for a retrieval on Thursday morning.

And a note on the trigger – my doctor is switching me from an hCG trigger to a Lupron trigger. Has anyone ever done this? She says she’s not worried about OHSS for me, but that she thinks I can produce enough LH on my own, so I don’t need the hCG shot.

The two main things I’ve extrapolated from the Lupron v. hCG decisions is that with Lupron I a) do not need to test out the trigger – if I get a BFP it’s a real BFP; and b) Lupron is sub-cutaneous, and hCG is intra-muscular. Would MUCH prefer the sub-q.

cookieOn the emotional front, I’m a hot mess. I’m working reallyreally hard to lock.it.up. with varying results. I’m sore, and bloated, and uncomfortable, and exhausted. I fell like a pincushion. I’ve been poked and prodded and dildoed (what are they DOING in there?! It feels like you’re vacuuming in my vagina for God’s sake) within an inch of my life.

On Saturday, Tammy ran a 5k with her company to benefit the Wounded Warrior Project. I dropped her off before the race and ran (haha! Don’t be ridiculous, I drove) over to my vagina check. I got back to the race in time to see her cross the finish line. I have absolutely no idea why, but I burst into hysterical tears when she rounded the bend. In my defense, the song playing over the loudspeakers was this, and HOLY SHIT. Commence ugly cry. Her company should SERIOUSLY know better than to play emotionally charged music when there are women hopped up on hormones watching their beloved cross the finish line!

And then last night the pharmacy was late delivering meds I needed for the morning (damn right they deliver. I’m paying out-of-pocket for all of this so I’m taking the perks where I can). I was extremely agitated waiting up for it. What if they didn’t show up?! That’s my anti-ovulation/antagonist med! What if I don’t get my meds in time and I ovulate and lose all my eggs? What if this has all been for nothing?! When the delivery FINALLY showed up (10:15pm!!!!) I nearly ripped the box out of his hands. I tried to politely smile at him, but it probably came out more like a snarl.

mandrill-snarl_2110219i

So now we wait. So much hurry up and wait! Hurry up and get to your daily 7:30AM appointment. Wait for results. Hurry home and inject yourself! Wait for more meds. Now I’m waiting on blood work results and final word if I’m triggering tonight.

I want this to be over. I want this to work. I want. I want. I want. Pleaseletthiswork. Pleaseletthiswork. It’s my mantra, chanted over and over to myself as I lay there, dildo shoved halfway to heaven, counting the little dark circles of hope on the ultrasound screen.

Friends with Babies

ME: you back at work?

Friend With Baby: Yep

ME: welcome back!

FWB: thanks

And they upgraded my operating system so I can actually get into my gmail again

as you can see

ME: yes, very nice

how are you doing?

other than being so-so on going back to work

FWB: i’m doing ok. tired.

you?

ME: tired and sore

had a lot of early morning appointments this week so i can still get to work on time

FWB: sore?

ME: injections

for IVF

FWB: oh gotcha

ME: plus bloated from all the follicles

FWB: follicles are a bunch of assholes

ME: indeed they are

and i’m hysterically emotional. am a joy to be around, obviously

FWB: we should hang out then

ME: you up for me bursting into tears at random moments, and jumping into hulk like rage at others?

FWB: well…

ME: ha

FWB: that does sound a little terrifying

an emotional rollercoaster

ME: it is

poor tammy

she was away all week on business

good timing

FWB: well…it’s almost time for me to go pump. see what you have to look forward to? also my old uniform shirts don’t fit cause apparently i have huge boobs now (first world problems)

ME: child having problems

cannot relate

FWB: you’ll have one (probably triplets or something)

ME: i kind of doubt it

but we’ll see

FWB: i got all my fingers and toes crossed for you and your triplets

better have three boy and girl names picked out just in case

ME: far too jinxy

cannot even discuss one

the jinx gods are listening

FWB: Jinx gods are a bag of dicks.

ME: they can suck my dick, that’s for sure

FWB: (I’m trying to draw them off of you)

ME: well thanks

we’ll see what happens

go pump

FWB: ok…be back in a bit

ME: enjoy your romantic time with a mini plastic sombrero

Second Scan of the First IVF

I had my second scan and blood work this morning, after 5 days of stims. I just heard from the nurse with my results.

My estrogen is 478.

Lining looked “good”, but I forgot to ask the ultrasound tech what the measurement was.

I had 19 follicles, 6 of which were measurable (at my clinic, this means larger than 10). The two biggest were 11.3

I continue with the same dosage tonight (187.5 IU of Bravelle, 75 IU of Menopur) and come back tomorrow morning for another check.

Things are movin’ and groovin’.

Reward

I’m not into punishment. Wait. That came out wrong. Let me re-phrase.

When I was a kid, the possibility that I would get in trouble (if caught – I was kind of a bad kid) wasn’t much of a deterrent. I would smart talk my parents, have temper tantrums, etc. KNOWING that I was going to get in trouble, and carry on anyway. As a teen, I got up to all kids of inappropriate and illegal activities, almost as a dare to the universe. “Go ahead and have me crash the car/get arrested/die. See if I care!” I was what you might call, ummm… defiant.

lady gaga
Basically what I looked like, ages 10-20. Except for the whole being world famous part.

On the flip side, I respond very well to positive reinforcement, aka rewards. I always have been, and continue to be, very into pleasure. Ok, that ALSO sounds wrong. Get your minds out of the gutter. It can be little or big things, but I need something good waiting on the other side to get myself through unpleasant/painful/sad things. It can be little – knowing I have a dumb TV show to watch at lunch on Monday can help me get out of bed Monday morning. Having a bowl of ice cream to look forward to after my injections. And those things are innocuous, I don’t worry about them so much. I think it’s normal to look forward to things, and if that helps me get through the day, great.

418b11fffd3e4dfc97e489e89e05e067@2x

Helllooo, I showed up! Where’s my reward?!

But I sometimes feel extremely childish for needing an immediate reward. Don’t “they” say that the definition of adulthood is delayed gratification? I guess I’m not an adult then. Because intellectually I KNOW the real reason I’m going to work on Monday morning is because we need the money, and I’m lucky to have a job that pays me as well as it does. Intellectually I KNOW the real reason I’m doing these injections is so we can have a baby. I KNOW. Big picture, y’all. I got it. So why can’t my mind catch up to what my brain knows? Why am I so stuck on this cycle of dreading something unpleasant, doing something unpleasant, getting a reward, feeling better, then starting the dread again?

First Scan of the First IVF

I had my first scan this morning for my first IVF cycle. After 3 nights of injections, here’s what I’ve got:

11 follicles on the right all under 10mm
7 follicles on the left all under 10mm
Lining is about a 5

They’ll call me with my blood work results this afternoon and let me know if I need to make adjustments in my med dosage.

I have no idea if this is good or not. I asked the (pregnant) woman doing my scan, and she said it was a “good start”. I asked if she expected all of my follicles to grow, and she said not all but most. And maybe at different rates, so not all those that grow will end up being mature. I guess that puts me roughly on track to have between 10-15 mature eggs at retrieval?

Well, this has been a thrilling update. Try to stay calm, everyone.

UPDATE: The doctor’s office just called. I have to add more of one of my meds tonight, as my estrogen is only at 125. Fuck. Is this bad? Fuck. I think it’s bad. My fingers are ITCHING to ask Dr. Google what the fuck this means (IT MEANS SOMETHING BAD!!!) but I need to step away from the keyboard.

Odds & Ends (No, I’m Not Describing Myself)

Alternate title: “In Which I Dazzle You With My Stunning Non Sequiturs”

  • Dr. Robert Edwards, the man who pioneered IVF, has died. Let’s all take a moment to honor his memory.
  • I’m on my second round of birth control for my first cycle of IVF, and I’m both butt-clenchingly nervous that a) the cycle will be cancelled due to no/poor response or I’ll hyperstimulate (please see my about page for my feelings on contradicting myself) and excited that it might work. (Ohpleaseletitwork) 
  • Tammy and I are debating transferring one or two (should we get that far/have enough to even get to make that decision). I’m curious as to how others feel on that issue, or what helped them make their decision. Potentially important facts that may influence your advice: I have “unexplained” infertility and I’m under 30. I’m waiting to hear back from my doctor, but I’d appreciate your thoughts.
  • It hasn’t gotten any easier to learn of other people’s pregnancies. I have a friend, C., who lived with my family as an exchange student from France while we were in high school. She’s been living with her boyfriend in Nepal for the past few years, and sent me a message the other day saying she was “shocked” to find herself pregnant. And then she asked what was up with me. I haven’t responded, because I’m probably incapable of finding the right balance of “oh, congratulations! How wonderful for you! And by the way my ass is barren! That’s what’s up with me!” Add in the odd assortment of high school and college friends who are popping up (and out) in my news feed with ultrasound pictures, cutesy “I’m going to be a big brother” pictures, and belly pictures and you get me, approaching Facebook like it’s loaded with TNT.
  • There is a woman at my office who may, in fact, be the devil I do not believe in. But if anyone could convince me there IS a devil, it would be her. She is THE MOST vindictive, nasty, horrifying excuse for a human being I’ve ever met. I hate her with the passion of a thousand suns. But…(there’s always a but) she’s infertile. It was passed on to me by her former assistant (why yes it IS a breach of trust/invasion of privacy, why do you ask?) that she and her husband had tried for years, probably two decades ago. And they were never successful. I’ve tried to use this information to temper my loathing with compassion (success: miniscule). But it also scares the bejeezus out of me that I’ll end up like her if I don’t have a baby. What if all of the anger, fear, bitterness and anxiety I walk around with on a daily basis goes further inward, and I end up like her – a brittle, hellish shell of a person?
  • To cleanse the palate, I leave you with this picture of my cat, Baker. He was sick a few weeks ago, and we had to take him to the vet for some shots. Here’s the picture the vet uploaded to their facebook page:

BakerHa! Love my cat. He is so freakin’ pissed off in this picture. The vet’s hip glasses, sadly, did not make him feel better.

V for Victory

What’s up with UTIs (besides being awful, of course)?

I really have nothing profound to say about this, except that I have one and it sucks. I’m pretty sure I got it from the doctor poking around in there during the Mock Embryo Transfer. I started feeling symptoms a day or two after the MET, but I dismissed it as my cervix being irritated by the iodine or something. I wish I had listened to myself. The symptoms have grown steadily worse in the week since and now my bits basically feel like this:

burning v*

I’m attempting to drown myself in cranberry juice while I wait for the nurse to return my call. I’m hopeful they can prescribe something over the phone so I don’t have to go in to have them tell me what I already know. I’ve had plenty of these in my lifetime, honey; I know what’s up. And it is a lady garden on FIRE. Just gimmie the drugs (ok, antibiotics, but drugs sound sexier) already!

*V for…vendetta?