On the Cusp

The month off ended up not being as bad as I thought it might be. It was nice to not have to think about what I was eating, and what I was drinking (or not drinking, as the case may be). We were travelling and visiting family over Christmas, and I wasn’t obsessing over symptoms or freaking out about my cycle day. I was just being. Which, after 8 straight IUI cycles, was a refreshing change.

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Year in Review

1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before? Injected myself with a needle in the STOMACH for god’s sake. Cooked a holiday dinner for my family all by myself. Bought a house.
2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I’m terrible at remembering what my resolutions were, so I’m going to go with no, I didn’t keep them. I do have some for the coming year. They include making at least 2 homemade meals a week, getting back into yoga, and taking time to do little things for myself.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Nope. Early in the coming year though.
4. Did anyone close to you die? No. Knock on wood.
5. What places did you visit? Canada, Virginia, & Florida. All family related travels.
6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012? A baby.
7. What dates from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? The date of my miscarriage – November 17, 2012
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Making it through the year, (relatively) sane, and still happy in my marriage.
9. What was your biggest failure? My first instinct is to say “not being able to have a baby” but I’m getting off that train to negative town. So I’ll say work something mumble mumble let’s not talk about work.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I had a few bouts of illness, plus the miscarriage. My body was pretty wacked out from the fertility drugs.
11. What was the best thing you bought? We bought a bedroom set, and LOVE it. We both agree it is the most comfortable bed we’ve ever slept on. Plus, we now have room to store all of our clothes (damn you, old charming houses with miniscule closets!)
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Tammy’s, always. She keeps me going.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Various extended family members that I’m not going to name. They all seem to have similar traits though, that grate on my nerves. I read somewhere that the traits you most dislike in others, you really dislike in yourself. God, I hope that’s not the case.
14. Where did most of your money go? First to the down payment on our house and then to unsuccessful baby-makin’.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? My pregnancy.
16. What song will always remind you of 2012? Somebody that I used to know by Gotye. Not because the lyrics were significant, but because I heard it, loved it, and played it about 3 million times in a row until I hated it.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Sadder.
b) thinner or fatter? Fatter. Damn fertility drugs!
c) richer or poorer? Ha! Poorer.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Yoga. Time with Tammy. I wish I’d started cooking sooner. Standing up for myself at work.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Sitting in the house, depressed, avoiding pregnant people or babies. Those fuckers are everywhere – it’s not safe to go outside! But also, being short and snappy with Tammy. I hate that tendency in myself to get frustrated with something unrelated and be an asshole to people around me.
20. How did you spend Christmas last year? At my parent’s house…working remotely. That sucked, but it’s always good to be with my parents.
21. Did you fall in love in 2012? Stayed in love, how about that? And I fell in love with the embryo that I didn’t get to keep. What ever happened to “you break it, you buy it”?
22. What was your favorite TV program? I’m literally years late on this one, but we started watching Battlestar Galactica and LOVED it.
23. What did you do for your birthday in 2012? Tammy took me on a double pedicure date (the first pedicure she’s ever had. I know, what?!) and out to dinner. Oh, and my date with a vial of sperm and a cold speculum.
24. What was the best book you read? I read so many books this year, it’s impossible for me to pick one. A few that come to mind are: The Hunger Games Trilogy, Flight Behavior (in the middle of this one, but so far it’s good), and The Red Tent.
25. What did you want and get? We’d been dreaming about owning a home for years, and it finally came true!
26. What did you want and not get? Ugh, I’m a broken record: a baby.
27. What was your favorite film of this year? I haven’t seen Les Miserables yet, and I’m dying to. This weekend, for sure! I can only assume that will be my favorite. But wait! That’s not this year! Umm…I have no idea.
28. Did you make some new friends this year? Nope. Neurotic, intraverted homebody to the core.
29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? (Ok, not saying baby for this one AGAIN) I wish we’d gotten the house closer to “done”. We still have a lot of little (and big) projects to do.
30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012? This was the year I started caring a lot more about comfort than style. So “personal fashion concept” is probably a misnomer.
31. What kept you sane? Tammy. The fact that even though money is tight, we CAN try again. My parents.
32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? No idea on this one. I will always love me so me Hillary Clinton, but it’s not like I want to sleep with her. Does that count?
33. What political issue stirred you the most? It was awesome to see the country move toward marriage equality. Leaps and bounds, y’all!
34. Who did you miss? I miss my co-workers that left for other jobs this year.
35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012.  You cannot control everything. Remember to breath.

Getting started

Hi there, I’m Sarah. For some inexplicable, biological reason, I’ve always wanted to have kids – and by have kids I meant the whole shebang, conceive, gestate, birth, raise, try not to screw up too badly. It’s very weirdly animalistic, this urge. That fact that I’m a lesbian seemed (and still seems) like an insignificant detail.

When Tammy and I started dating 4 years ago, I was pretty clear from the beginning that I wanted to have kids. Tammy also wanted to have kids, but had absolutely no interest in giving birth, and she also wanted to be married first. I truly did not mind the idea of birthing a couple of bastard children, but Tammy didn’t find that idea as funny as I did. So we did the square, conventional thing and got married, then bought a house (although we did live in sin for a few years before the marriage).

For my birthday this year, Tammy bought me a vial of sperm and a date with a piece of cold medical equipment (cue the doctor saying “relax your knees. You’re going to feel cold and pressure”). And then…nothing happened. We did four rounds of unmedicated IUI (Intrauterine Insemination, where the doctor runs a catheter through your cervix and deposits washed sperm directly into your uterus), and then two rounds of IUI with clomid and triggered ovulation. Clomid is a drug used to make you ovulate (if you don’t on your own) or produce more eggs (if you do). It comes with some charming menopausal side effects (hot flashes, night sweats, bloating…)

At first, all of those negatives, while disappointing, didn’t seem that worrisome. We would chant to ourselves about how young I am (mid twenties) how healthy, how all of the tests (including the excruciatingly painful HSG) came back with the all clear. But that shit just wasn’t working. And the doctor didn’t know why, except to ever so helpfully point out that maybe I wasn’t “the most fertile person” she’d ever seen.

Then we came to try number 7 (the third medicated cycle), and during the two week wait I did my ritualistic christening of the pee stick, obsessive message board and blog reading, and careful (hysterical) interpretation of every twinge and burble. This symptom interpretation was harder this round, as I was on progesterone supplements for the first time. Progesterone supplements (or naughty pills as they are known around these parts) are either intramuscular injections or vaginal suppositories. Guess which kind I had? Progesterone supplements will drive you out of your damn mind, because they give you every pregnancy symptom in the book – exhaustion, nausea, cramping, tender breasts, etc.

And then, the day before I was supposed to go in for my pregnancy test at the doctor’s office, I got a positive one at home. I almost didn’t believe it. But sure enough, my blood work at the doctor’s the next day was positive. Seeing that beautiful second line was one of the best moments of my life.

…until I started to google my HCG number and saw that it was low. Really low. And subsequent beta testing showed that my HCG wasn’t rising at all. My doctor called it a biochemical pregnancy, but I hate that term. It sounds like it wasn’t a real pregnancy, but it was goddammit, it WAS. I’ve chosen to call it what it is, without any qualifiers: a miscarriage.

It may seem strange to you to mourn something that wasn’t even a baby yet, and something (what?) that was only a few weeks old. But I grieved like someone I had known all my life had died. I’m still grieving, in fact, even though we tried again right away. I’m grieving for my baby that never was, I’m grieving for the toll this has taken on Tammy and my relationship, I’m grieving for the stress the drugs and crippling anxiety have put on my body. And I’m grieving for myself, for this idea of myself as a healthy and complete woman, whose body had never let her down before. I’m grieving because of the questions that pop up in my head at particularly bad moments; questions like “am I really a woman if I can’t even perform a basic goddamn biological function?” Questions like “are the haters right? Is there a god, and is s/he punishing me for being a lesbian?” Questions like “All those stupid things I did in high school and college – did I somehow damage my eggs and they’re all shit quality now?”

I wish I knew. I get the results of our eighth attempt tomorrow (fourth medicated), but it doesn’t look good. If it’s negative, Tammy will call for my file from the doctor’s office (I’m too much of a wimp) and we’ll make the switch to a new doctor (which is a discussion worthy of a post in and of itself).

This is where our story starts.